Graded Assignment Feedback
Research Paper First Draft Feedback and Suggestions for Improvement
Below you will find an overview of the strengths and areas you can improve on for this Research Paper. You will also find comments embedded in your [paragraph]. At the bottom of this document, you can find your score on this assignment.
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Student Research Paper
This paper critically explores on George Orwell’s assertion that colonialism harmed both the colonized and the colonizers. It explores on several essays by the author including Heart of Darkness and Shooting the Elephant. Examples of manner in which it caused harm to the colonized are moral conflict that engulfed colonizers as well as the anticipated harm form the colonized. For the case of harm to the colonized, suffering of the colonized due to cruel treatment is a case in point. The paper holds the view that colonialism harmed both the colonized and the colonizers (Heppner, Kaiser & Müschenborn, 2016).
Where is your thesis statement?
Please note, your introduction should contain an attention getter, general discussion on the subject, and then your thesis statement.
Your thesis statement can be placed right after the hook or as the last sentence within the introduction.
Orwell paints a picture of suffering on part of the colonized as a result of colonialism. In the text Shooting an Elephant, the theme of suffering by the colonized is eminent. It is highlighted by the aggressive movement of the elephant crashing the colonized to the point that the narrator contemplates shooting it to save Burmese is a demonstration to this effect. The elephant represents the colonizers who are inflicting pain to the colonized (Orwell, Kernerman & Kernerman, 1969).
Good Analysis!
However, I would like for you to explain this idea further.
The essays also highlights arm on part of the colonizers. Good Idea; however, this idea needs to be expressed within complete sentences. I recommend that you work to separate your ideas into two different sentences. This is expressed by the act of shooing the elephant which portrays what is likely to happen in the event the oppression of Burmese by the British continued. He envisages this as happing through self-destruction of the colonizers or through a deliberate effort by the colonized. Anticipated reaction from the colonized therefore highlights harm the colonizers (Orwell, Kernerman & Kernerman, 1969).
In the text Heart of Darkness When you begin a new paragraph; you will need to state the person’s name again. he highlights the feeling of guilty by the colonizers for the oppression made to the colonized subjects. Guilty is a psychological condition that cause suffering to individuals and therefore it represents harm on part of the colonizers. Guilt springs from the knowledge that the actions committed by individuals are negatively impact on others. Imposing British culture and administration on Burmese led to allot of suffering because of the need to descant held beliefs and embrace the new ones. The fact that the set of beliefs contradicted with each other caused suffering to Burmese as well as British (Orwell, Kernerman & Kernerman, 1969).
Valid Points!
Good Idea, yet, it is not expressed clearly. Harm on part of the colonizers is also depicted by the claim of the Orwell that his position as a colonial police officer brought suffering to the point of contemplating quitting as soon as possible. Engaging in activities of the colonizers brought moral conflict thereby undermining his ability to discharge duties effectively. On one hand, he had to meet obligations of his job while on the other hand he was upset by its evil nature. Moral conflict therefore emerged as a consciousness of the improper actions of the colonizers that were deeming to the colonized (Heppner, Kaiser & Müschenborn, 2016).
In conclusion, George Orwell highlights that colonialism harmed both the colonized and the colonized. Examples of aspects that depict harm for the colonizers is shooting by the imminent shooting of the narrator, anticipated rebel of the colonized as well as moral conflict suffered by the narrator in discharging his duties in the colonial police force. For the case of harm on part of the colonized, it is highlighted by crashing by the elephant as well as dissatisfaction painted on their faces as depicted by the author. It is therefore clear that colonialism affected the colonizers as well and this serves to challenge the perception that they entirely benefited. It is on this basis that the paper concludes that colonialism harmed both the colonized and the colonizers.
References
Heppner, H. J., Kaiser, A., & Müschenborn, U. (2016). Heart of Darkness. Deutsches Ärzteblatt International, 113(38), 641.
Orwell, G., Kernerman, A., & Kernerman, A. (1969). Shooting an elephant. Yehud Comprehensive High School.
Strengths of This Research Paper
You have worked to research a British Literature topic.
Purpose and Voice
Strengths in This Area
I recognize your purpose is to address and answer the research question: How do Orwell’s essays express his belief that colonialism harmed both the colonized and the colonists?
Suggestions for Improvement in This Area
I recommend that you work to develop a clear, specific, and direct thesis statement.
Ideas and Content
Strengths in This Area
You have worked to provide valid reasons, details, facts, and evidence to support your position.
Suggestions for Improvement in This Area
On the other hand, you will need to work on stating your ideas clearly to the reader within complete sentences.
Please note, when you revise, you will need to ask yourself the following:
What am I trying to say?
How can I say this better?
Structure and Organization
Strengths in This Area
You have worked to develop an introduction, body paragraphs, a conclusion. In-text-citations and a Works Cited Page.
Suggestions for Improvement in This Area
I recommend that you work to develop a clear, specific, and a direct thesis statement.
Language and Word Choice
Strengths in This Area
You have worked to write from an objective point of view.
Suggestions for Improvement in This Area
n/a
Sentences and Mechanics
Strengths in This Area
n/a
Suggestions for Improvement in This Area
I highly recommend that you work to attend Synchronous Sessions that pertain to grammar and writing. This way, you can work to develop complete sentences. Plus, you can work on clarity. Meaning, your idea will be communicated as you intended.
Summary and Next Steps
Summary
Please read and apply my feedback. I have attached some supportive documents. Please view the recorded English lessons titled:
-Independent and Dependent Clauses.
-Fragments and run-on-sentences.
Recommended Next Step
(Choose one of the following steps.)
After you have read my feedback, you may move on to your final draft.
You may move on to your final draft.
You may move on to your final draft, but consider contacting your teacher for a conference to talk about your first draft.
You must contact your teacher to sign up for a conference to discuss your first draft before moving on to the final draft.
Student Score
Your score on the final draft of this essay:
Criteria
Your Score (out of 4)
Explanation
Purpose and Voice
3
The research paper does a good job of fulfilling the purpose of providing information on a topic. The writer’s voice is present although at times it is inconsistent. The writer seems interested in the topic.
Ideas and Content
3
The topic of the research paper is appropriate, and the paper contains a thesis statement. The topic is researched, but more evidence is needed to fully support the thesis. Print and online sources have been cited, and there is a Works Cited page.
Structure and Organization
4
The research paper has a clear structure with an introductory paragraph that grabs the reader’s attention. Each body paragraph contains evidence that supports the thesis. The conclusion tells the reader what the writer has learned or leaves the reader with something to think about. The writer uses an appropriate organization that fits the topic and thesis. Transitions are used to clarify ideas and to move smoothly within and between paragraphs. The Research Paper includes thought-provoking and specific headings, interesting and informative graphics, and an instructive multimedia component that aids comprehension.
Language, Word Choice, and Tone
4
The student considers purpose and audience in the language, word choice, and tone of the Research Paper. The student uses formal language that is powerful and clear, several domain-specific words, and several literary techniques such as similes, metaphors and analogies to explain concepts and provide clear information. The tone is serious and consistently objective, with no personal opinions offered.
Sentences and Mechanics
2
Sentences do not all contain complete thoughts. There are several unintentional fragments and run-ons. Some quotations are not punctuated correctly, and not all citations are in proper citation format. There are errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics that sometimes interfere with the reader’s ability to understand.
3.20
Average of 5 Areas
176
Subtotal (out of 200 points)
0
Points deducted for not meeting length requirement
176
Points Earned on this Essay (out of 200 points)